fallen heart

I know a wounded soul. A soul that has been through so much and seen such horrible things it's a wonder the person whom the soul inhabits still has hope for a civilian life. I know I sound pedestrian talking about this sort of stuff...My life has been easy and sweet compared to many many people and I've never doubted the existance of God or that he's always looking out for me. I have no desire to give into the temptations of the world, and I'd only change for myself. My life is good and God is with me. Why is God not with him? I know he is technically, but after all he's been through, why couldn't wounded soul hold on to the one thing he told me kept him going over seas.
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He survived two tours of duty in Iraq. This man conquered things no one ever thought a small town boy was capable of. He should be dead, but he's not. Despite his insane war history this guy came home to a world full of tramas and crazy stories, but he survived. God kept him safe through all of it even at its absolute worst. How can he have called me from so far away, praising God, and now tell me he doesn't believe in any of the "bull" his entire life has been made up of. I don't see how anyone could turn their back on love like that. I feel so naive, like I'm missing something crucial that would make this all ok, but when I think about it, I'm not. In my opinion nothing lets this be ok because nothing is more important than salvation and a relationship with God.

In this world, we have the opportunity to sink or swim. We can be lazy or be productive, and we can search for truth or sit back and feel fine without knowing anything for sure. I don't know about you guys but shades of gray are too frequent in life and I need something in my life that is certain, right, pure, and never changing and the one thing I know is like that is God. That's why this blog is named what it is; because life can throw you things that you will never expect, it will pick you up, inhale you, puke you out and then stomp all over you, but when it's done having it's way with you, there is always one place you can go where everything is perfect, never changing, and always looking out for you...I
'll give you two guesses.

Abide with me fast falls the even tide
The darkness depends, Lord with me abide
When other helpers fail and comforts flee
Help of the helpless, oh abide with me

Swift to its close ebbs out lifes little day
Earth's joys grow dim its glories pass away
Change and decay in all around I see
Oh THOUGH WHO CHANGEST NOT abide with me

I need thy presence every passing hour
What but thy grace can foils the temptors power?
Who like thyself, my guide and stay can be
Through cloud and sunshine, oh abide with me

There Goes My Hero

Here we go again:


...another one of my friends is off to basic training to protect Americana. That's the 5th one I know on a deeper level than names. I love that I know all these warrior brothers, as Cpt'n Storm would call them. I really think of them as heroes. It takes a certain amount of courage to devote yourself to verbal abuse, physical and emotional turmoil, and come out as strong and focused as so many soldiers do. So far I know 4 Army soldiers and 1 Marine. They're all upstanding young men and I am so grateful to them for what they do and the obligation they gladly carry.

Shallow News! I am in the market for a laptop! If my parents agree I'll only have to pay for half, and since one of my closest friends is selling it to me, it'll be FREAKISHLY cheap for the quality of the computer...Now I just gotta hope my superiors think it's as good of an idea as I do and help...It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'll never find a deal this good anywhere else...ever.

I saw Indiana Jones! It was IIIINCREDIBLE! So so so so so good! I highly suggest everyone go see it, as well as Ironman...but see Indiana Jones first cuz it's really fun and very amusing.

I know a lot of people with trust issues. It's almost considered a poor excuse for being flaky, but it's really not that at all. I've had them before, still do sometimes, and it really can consume a life. But so many don't notice when it's time to not let it scare them anymore or if they do notice, they are still so scared. So many people miss the opportunity to trust, and in that miss the opportunity to feel truly safe again. Let me tell you something: Dare to trust. Use it wisely of course, but if there's someone in your life that you know would never hurt you or use your word against you, listen to yourself. You feel this way because it's true, so take a stand, look fear in the eye and let your heart be unguarded. There's a quote from a movie I know that is perfect for this, "...You wanna do something really great? Have the courage to fail big and stick around, make them wonder why you're still smiling. That's true greatness to me..." I dare you to trust, if it's someone worthy it's the best feeling in the world.

That's about it. Lazy summer nights as always, demon toddlers, and an endless dance in my heart. God is good.

I hope Bob Marley was right.

Probably one of the most disappointing things in the world is when you look back on a time you thought you were the ultimate woman to someone and then realize you were just a stepping stone to a life someone thought would be better. Translation?: People constantly change into something they think is better that's very often worse, and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm glad God took away the deep feelings for me that I had for certain gorgeous blue eyed men, it's been easier for me to not get bummed about romance, but when I think about him I get sad. I don't get sad because I want him back, I get sad because he's doing the things he vowed to never do. So many people do that and I don't understand why. How hard is it to hold to your beliefs? It's very easy, actually. I've done it all my life and intend to keep doing it. I just wish more people would hold on to their "juvenile" goals and avoid those having to do with underage drinking, promiscuity, and general worldly conformity.

In other parts of my life I'm doing well. My nights consist of lazy talks in the Big Haus library, Winco runs, random drives with the girls, and wrangling toddlers and preschoolers of the Palouse. The past three days have been warm and friendly and though skin cancer runs in my family I welcome UV rays with wide open arms and a swimsuit top while rebuilding the fence around my house. My tan lines don't match, my jeans have mud on them, and my newly highlighted hair actually looks semi-natural now because of all the sun intake. I can hear the crickets and cyotes at Mtn.View park through the open door and the late spring air is perfectly still and fragrant. I have ice cream in my tummy, and a frame of a James Marsden movie paused to help me concentrate on writing this blog. I could die happy. When I look up at the stars, I see endless possibilities in my life...It sounds incredibly cheesy, but it's true. I don't know how so many people don't believe in heaven. I can't help but believe because when I look up at the stars, I'm convinced that there's GOT to be something so much more than just this one world and one life.

How does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone?

My Aunt Kathleen is in town from N.O.L.A. this week and it's crazy having her here. I haven't seen her since I was six years old. The sweet part is that as my mom and her talk more and more my mom's southern accent comes back.:) Wonderful.

My sister Trogo (Nickname for Tara) is graduating from college this Saturday. I can't believe it actually. I've woken up to her drinking coffee and studying so much in my life it'll be weird never seeing her working on homework again. She'll be a registered nurse, what an accomplishment! I'm so proud to know her. I love that girl, she and her husband are two of my favorite friends I've ever had. They're moving to Seattle, it's official, and I'm really excited but at the same time I'm secretly bummed because they will be so far away. I'm avoiding showing this part because what they need right now more than anything is support, and that's what I'm giving them.

I wish I had something monumental to say, but all I have are little unfinished theories wallowing around in my mind. They will come out soon enough, don't worry, I just hope some come true and others remain merely theories. I love you guys, I'll post something on my down time later today. Be good.

Cold Tile and Pink Shoes

It all started with the assumption I was being jealous by way of a sarcastic comment and it was passed on to a judgmental person. I accidently read this word which then caused me to lose my balance, fall into a ledge and rip the back pocket of my favorite pair of jeans...Damn long boards. I decided to leave early, really early. As I left his eyes were guilty and scared. His roommate was pissed at him. The air was tense and the goodbyes were insincere. I felt like crying until I got a phone call. "I didn't mean it." he said "Lieing's a sin." I replied. After trying to talk on the phone I turned the car around and went back to talk to him in person...Everything's better in person.

Suckiest part of all this is that I've gotten attached somehow without anything romantic conspiring. "I should only cuddle with people I'm romantically interested in." he said. As my heart sank and my cold became ten times worse feeling...I wanted to run away. I often want to run away in these types of situations. Why am I always the girl people cuddle with and then regret doing it? It's like the Christian version of prostitution...Funny part is I never am the initiator...(what? it's true!)

He doesn't know how I feel, and as far as I know he never will. Blue eyes and perfect hugs not only fix a situation, they make a heart want more. I just keep wondering how on EARTH I let myself fall for this guy. I never even hang out with him! I'd be soo relieved if someone just told me it was merely an attraction, nothing more...But I don't think it is.

I work 9 hours a day now...with a brand new cold, that's pretty hellish seeing as how this virus that's taken up an inhabitance in me is free floating all around my work space...These are not the best of days in my life...But I went to Ironman with the boys and it is awesome.

Your Idaho Girl.

George Straight said it perfectly:

"She don't need you and she don't need me
she can do just fine on her own two feet
but she wants a man that wants her to be herself.
And she'll never change don't know how to hide her stubborn will
or her fighting side but you treat her right
and she'll love you like no one else."


I don't have a very strong fighting side, but if you treat me right I will love you like no one else.